Colorado Sky

I have been thinking about the heart issue of unbelief and what that means for my own heart. A few weeks ago, Andy, our pastor, discussed how the root of all of heart issues and sin is the sin of unbelief. Unbelief that God’s word is TRUTH, unbelief of His promises for us, unbelief of how God views us, and unbelief that there is truly a God that loves us, deeply. He loves us so much that he would do anything for us. Since this time I have read Atlas Girl, Love Does, and Crazy Love. All of which have a core message of, if we really believe what God says to be true then why isn't their proof and evidence of that in our lives? Why are we not loving people radically, living for Christ radically, & loving with our actions and in truth? I mean really. We (me specifically) sits at home griping about being so busy, feeling worn out from travelling {both professionally & personally} too much, not feeling worthy enough, striving to be everyone’s best friend, dreaming about living a radical life for Jesus Christ that involves loving people like crazy, and imagining Ben and I serving somewhere on the other side of the world using our God endowed talents to further his kingdom and loving the least of these. But what does griping, complaining, & self-loathing actually accomplish? Nothing. That's what it does -- nothing. There is such a sense of negativity that enters when we dwell on everything we wish we could change or don't like about this world, our situation, or circumstances. Somehow - it tends to become a bigger issue or a bigger problem, when in reality - it comes down to  not spending time in God's word to discover what he says about the situation or praying to God for guidance and for Him to be the center of our life.

Part of my hesitation in handing over my trust in God's truth & plan is fear. Fear of people rejecting me, fear of not having financial security, fear of failure, fear of not being equipped, just plain fear. I wouldn’t necessarily describe myself as someone who is crippled with fear but I manage risk for a living. All my moves are very calculated, well thought out {haha or so I think}, and analyzed to ensure that my decision is safe & the outcome is certain. I am content being in this safe and happy place, but also not content. How is that even possible? What joy is there in being safe, reserved, & risk-adverse? So I guess I have been in denial. I am someone who lives in fear. I want to serve more at church, I want to be a bright light to my coworkers, friends, and most importantly my family, I want to love people really well and really authentically, and I want to know God’s word so intimately that it is written in my heart. I know God has laid these deep desires in my heart and given me a certain set of skills to bless his church body which have translated into a lot of dreams & ideas for our life. I know his truths yet my actions don't always follow. I would call that unbelief. Unbelief that His word is THE truth, unbelief of His promises for my life, unbelief of what I am called to do, just a pure heart issue of unbelief. 

So then what is holding me back? How do I reconcile this? How is my heart going to be transformed? The answer came yesterday by the way of Andy, yet again. Jesus is better. He is just plain better than all of it. I am going to hold steadfast to this truth & repeat it over and over again until it fully & completely transforms my heart.

You fellow work in progress -